I don’t know how I should start. I feel so uneasy. I feel so depressed. Maybe it’s because my world is going to be shaded in black in the next couple of years. The sun won’t be there anymore to give light to it. Everything would just be black. Just the way it was like before.
I’ve been like this since yesterday night. It was the first night after a couple of months that I felt alone. My girl is going to leave for the US to study there. She won’t be back after about 3 to 4 years. I don’t know. I just don’t know what to do. She told me that she wanted to become a nurse and that was her dream. She’s stuck in making a choice. Stay here with me, or go to the US to follow her dream. Her sister is already living there and they’re already petitioning her.
It’s not like she’s the only one stuck in making a choice. I also am. I don’t know if I should support her in following her dream because that’s her happiness or be selfish and make her stay because I can’t live without her. If I choose to let her go, wouldn’t it be painful for both of us? She might start feeling that I can be ok without her, she might think that I can let her go easily. It would be hard for me to let her go. If I choose to tie her up then she might think that her happiness isn’t important to me. That I’m just being selfish and just thinking of myself. I don’t know what I should do.
Maybe I’m just running away by not making a decision. I’m letting her make the decision. Is it wrong? Now I start to realize that maybe it is. I always rely on logic and give my reasons. I give her the reasons on why I want her to stay and why I want her to follow what she wants. I guess it’s wrong to trust your mind and think too much when it’s your heart that would be making the decision in the end. I guess I’m just running away from the decision that I must make.
I feel her drifting away from me even before she must leave. I feel that she wants to cut me off because she doesn’t want to take the emotional burden if she leaves me behind. I don’t want that. I just want her to stay with me. Just stay by my side. Am I being too selfish? Am I asking for too much in wanting her to stay?
I don’t want to follow my mind anymore. I want to follow my heart. Forgive me for this time I’ll be greedy. I want her to stay. I don’t want her to leave me. While writing this, I feel every drop of emotion that I can’t show suddenly spilled out of my glass for everyone to see. I’m in love with her and can’t live without her. She’s my star, she’s my moon, she’s my sun. She’s my everything. To the world she just might be one person, but to one person she just might be the world.
